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The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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Could never passover a story by sloths, amiright?

When Pharaoh became Egypt’s new king, he was not a huge fan of the influence the Jews.

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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So he was like “Yo, I’m gonna limit your personal freedom, tax the hell out of you and force you into slavery, okay?”

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

He was a real dweeb: forcing them to build cities, monuments and roads.

As the Jews kept growing in number, Pharaoh was like “OH HELL NO” and ordered all the newborn male children to be thrown in the Nile River.

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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The mother of a lil bebe was like, “I’m gonna FLOAT him down the river and hope for the best, bye my lil bebe, it’s been real.”

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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This bebe was Moses and he floated down the river and was found by an Egyptian princess who raised him as his own.

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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Eventually, Moses found out that he was actually Jewish and he was like “MOOOOM, IS THIS TRUUE?!”

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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His adopted mom was like, “yeah but also I kind of saved your life so you can thank me later” and he was like “MY WHOLE LIFE MAKES MORE SENSE NOW.”

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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Moses was not into it and didn’t know what to do. Eventually God was a chill flaming bush and was like “Psst….you should go save your people and lead them to freedom.”

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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Moses wasn’t sure but God was like “UMMMM YEAH, I’m God so you should probably listen to me.”

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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When Moses asked Pharaoh for his freedom, Pharaoh was like “Nah, this setup is great 4 me”

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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Moses was very upset that Pharaoh had zero chill so God promised some zero chill plagues to scare Pharaoh.

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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“Wanna dance?”-God to Pharaoh.

So Moses went to Pharaoh and was like “Yo, God just told me there’s gonna be a lot of plagues if you don’t free us.”

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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After 9 FRICKIN’ PLAGUES, the Pharoah was quakin’ in his boots but acted like it was NBD.

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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God was like “FINE, I DIDN’T WANT TO BUT I’LL KILL ALL YOUR FIRST BORNS AS DIRECT KARMA”

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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Pharaoh was still a dummy literally yawned in Moses’ face and yelled “BOOORING”*

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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*Probably didn’t go down ~exactly~ like that.

THEN! God inflicted that plague on everyone but the Jews*.

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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*Jews had to put the blood of a lamb on the doorposts so they could be passed over in the killing. Spoiler Alert! That’s why it’s called PASSOVER!

FINALLY the Pharaoh was like “Uhggg, fine! You can be free! WHATEVER, I DON’T EVEN CARE.”

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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And all the Jews rushed to pack and baked unleavened bread ‘cause they didn’t have time for that shit to rise.

The Jews eventually fled but Pharoah’s mind was changed (by God!) and he ordered the Egyptians to go after the Jews.

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When the Jews were cornered at the Red Sea, Moses was like “WE’RE STUCK!! WHAT NOW, GOD!”

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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God was like “PART THAT SEA, MOSES! PART. THAT. SEA.”

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Moses said “Wait, with these hands? LOL OKAY.” AND THEN DID.

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They ran through to safety and then the Egyptians got swallowed by the sea!!!!

The Story Of Passover, As Told By Sloths

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“Sweet.”-Moses parting the Red Sea.

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And now, Passover celebrates Jewish freedom! Happy Passover, everyone!

Source: buzzfeed.com