The Story Of Hanukkah, As Told By Sloths
So one day, the Second Temple in Jerusalem was looted, services were stopped and Judaism was outlawed. And Jews were like, “WAIT, WHAT?”
Then in 167 B.C., this dude named Antiochus was like “Yo, I’m going to build a Zeus altar in here, ‘cause he’s my boy and also you can’t do circumcision and I’m going to sacrifice some pigs over there, that chill?”
Obviously, this was NOT chill. And in 166 B.C. a Jewish priest, Mattathias was like:
And he gathered his 5 sons and was like, “Yo, boys. We gotta fight this bullshit.”
And they were like, “Yeah, sure, Daddy-O, that’s a really good idea, you’re so inspiring LYL XOXO.”
Mattathias died in 166 B.C. but his son, Judah Maccabee was like, “Miss ya pops, I’ll make u proud, letz do this.”
So he gathered an army (known as the Maccabees) and was all, “We’re coming for you, Antiochus.”
And they fought Antiochus and even though they were outnumbered, they were brave.
Finally, they won and were like “YAAAS, THE TEMPLE IS OURS AGAIN!”
The Temple was rededicated, cleansed and a new altar and new holy vessels were built! Everyone looked around and was like, “This is great!”
“We should celebrate!”
They went to light the menorah and they only had oil for one day!!
Pure olive oil with the seal of the high priest was needed so they couldn’t just use any oil. Quite the predicament.
Miraculously, the oil lasted 8 days! Just enough time needed to make a fresh supply of kosher oil.
Now, to commemorate the rededication and the miracle of light, we celebrate Hanukkah!
Now, pass the latkes!
Getty Images/iStockphoto tigrilla
Sloth Image Credit: Summer Anne Burton