Are You A Real New Yorker
It’s takes a certain amount of je-nais-se-fuck-you.
Check any question that you answered yes to.
- Do you have a deep and unrelenting hatred for anyone walking slowly in front of you?
- Do you dread hearing, “excuse me do you have a minute for…”
- Do you know which end of the subway platform to stand on to be closest to the exit at your station?
- Can you mentally figure out subway transfers when the train is rerouted without warning?
- Have you been hit in the head with a selfie stick in a tourist area?
- Have you been ruthlessly upstreamed by some douche who looks like a trust fund baby?
- And in your blinding rage gone on to then upstream someone else because hailing a cab in the rain makes everyone monsters?
- Have you memorized the set list of your local subway buskers?
- Does the coffee cart guy outside of work know your order by heart?
- Do you worry about him if the cart isn’t outside of work for a couple days?
- Have you stopped flinching at a beer that costs the same price as your usual bottle of wine?
- Have you stopped going out in Manhattan bars on the weekends because you finally realized that’s where everyone from Staten Island and Jersey goes out on the weekends?
- Do you truly believe that the 7th circle of hell described in “Dante’s Inferno” is actually Times Square?
- When people come visit you do you put them on a red double decker tour bus for the day and wash your hands of it?
- Because you’d rather just watch “Sleepless In Seattle” than actually wait in line to get to the observation deck of the Empire State building?
- When the rich aroma of hot garbage reaches your delicate senses, is your first reaction “oh it’s finally summer”?
- But also, you’re so charmed by your Brooklyn/Queens neighborhood in the summer that you instagram it once a month?
- Once a week?
- Do you refer to Barclay’s Center as Jay-Z’s house?
- Do you ever catch a hint of maple syrup on the wind and think “it’s back, there better be pancakes this time”?
- Do you ever pray for the Magnolia’s staff?
- Are you completely baffled by the fact that “Daredevil” keeps insisting that Hell’s Kitchen has some sort of neighborhood identity?
- Have you ever gone to the Natural History Museum high in the summertime for free A/C?
- Or any other air conditioned venue where you tried to loiter for 6-8 hours a day?
- Is one of your greatest fears falling into the subway tracks?
- Followed closely by Rat King?
- Is everything you sit on assessed first by degree of potential bed bug infestation?
- Have you bragged about finding an apartment with closets and windows in every bedroom?
- Have you prayed to the gods that you survive walking back over the single, solid sheet of frozen ice that extends several blocks from the door of your laundromat to your apartment?
- Have you used your fire escape as a balcony?
- Is the L train your worst enemy?
- Or is it actually the G?
- OR IS IT ACTUALLY TIME WARNER, THE EPITOME OF AVARICE AND EVERYTHING THAT’S WRONG WITH AMERICA?
- Have you been to the Bronx for a reason that doesn’t involve the Yankees?
- Have you been lightly hit by a cab?
- Has your immediate reaction been to start yelling at the cabbie for not abiding by the pedestrian right of way?
- Have you ever watched “Girls”, “Friends”, “HIMYM”, or “SATC” and thought, “you’d have to actively be racist to only have white friends in this city”?
- Will you ever get use to being robbed every time you move, aka paying a month’s worth of rent to a broker who did nothing but show up and open the door?
- Have you ever slipped down slush/sleet/iced over subway stairs and thought, “the end is nigh”?
- Did a bunch of people unexpectedly try to help you, restoring your faith in this great city?
- Have you been photographed by HONY?
- Did it make you feel like the literal Queen Of New York?
- Did you seriously considered voting in the Rent Is Too Damn High guy?
- Before you sign a lease on a new apartment do you first put the address into Seamless to make sure there’s a plethora of late night delivery options?
- Would you say that those who participate in SantaCon deserve to die first in a zombie apocalypse?
- Have you ever drank 40s directly outside the deli you bought them in?
- Have you ever casually nodded at another person discreetly vaping in a public park?
- Have you ever woken up and not sure of what borough you’re in?
- Have you ever stopped dating someone because they lived off of an inconvenient train line?
- Or started dating somebody because they had laundry in their building?
- Have you become much queerer than you thought you were before you moved to NYC?
- Have you ever violently cried in front of group of complete strangers and given zero fucks because there is no such thing as privacy in this god forsaken city?
- Do you still want live in NYC after experiencing all of that?
Are You A Real New Yorker?
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