19 Tricks Cats Use To Train Their Humans
We don’t own cats, the cats own us.
Cats are able to train humans to do whatever the hell they want because they are so damn adorable.
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The cuteness is an innate quality they have evolved for the sole purpose of attracting human slaves.
All they have to do is look at us and we go a little weak at the knees.
To communicate their needs further cats developed the meow. A noise simultaneously very annoying and incredibly cute.
You feel instantly drawn to their demanding whimper and will do anything to shut it the hell up.
The meow is most commonly used to signal hunger, or that they can see the bottom of their food bowl.
Maybe cats are scared of the bottom of food bowls, maybe it’s against their political views, or maybe they are idiots that can’t tell when a food bowl is actually empty, we will never know.
Cats often use their meow for their main torture technique — sleep deprivation.
The theory is that cats use sleep deprivation to weaken a human’s resolve.
But it could just be because they enjoy being dicks.
Cats are also big fans of corporal punishment.
Flo Perry / BuzzFeed
Sometimes they will scratch or bite a human because we have clearly stepped out of line, often because we stroked them 68 times instead of the required 67.
Sometimes our cat masters attack us randomly just to remind us who’s boss.
GREAT WORK MEREDITH I WAS JUST TRYING TO LOVE YOU AND NOW YOU OWE ME 40 MILLION DOLLARS
We deserve it.
Cats use varying techniques so their humans will pet them exactly how they like.
This mainly involves biting their human when they do anything slightly wrong.
They will often present their tummy for rubs, and it is so adorable and soft we cannot resist.
Careful though, this is often a trick.
Sometimes cats will sit on top of their humans and demand strokes.
Careful though, this is also often a trick. Sometimes they just want your body warmth and not your love.
Clever cats can even seek out your hands directly when they are in need of a stroke.
Again be careful, even this can be a cruel, cruel trick.
Cats do not like it when humans try to get above their station by “working”.
We need to learn that we are simply cat slaves, and the laptop is simply a nice warm cat bed.
To unnerve their humans cats will sometimes just stare at them.
This is freaky, and makes you feel very judged. Reasons for this behavior are unclear, it’s probably them just telling us how much they hate us.
When a human is being really embarrassing a cat will give them ultimate judging eyes.
Usually this is when a human is moving unnecessarily, or being loud.
Cats do little to reward their humans, but they do purr to signal when we are doing an OK job.
A cat purr is the most adorable sound in the world and we must be very grateful for it.
If a cat is in an unusually good mood they may knead you. This is an honour and you should enjoy it even though it is like being stabbed by needles.
Cats are talented human trainers, and with a combination of these tricks they can train us to do pretty much whatever they want.
But all the training is totally worth it when they finally give in and show you a little bit of love.