17 Football Terms That Mean Something Different To Gay Guys
But “slobberknocker” is the same in every language.
Literal definition: A period of action that starts when the ball is put into play and ends when the ball is ruled dead.
Matt Ortile: Alternative for “bottom.” Like, I’m down to down. Ira Madison III: A masc top’s go-to phrase. “Go DOWN on me. Put your ass DOWN.” Matt: Like “Down It Low by Christina Millian feat. Sam Smith.”
Literal definition: A 10-yard-long area at both ends of the field.
Ira: I know this one, it’s where you score touchdowns. I’m from Milwaukee so I sometimes watch Packers games to not feel like a traitor and also because Aaron Rodgers is hot. Matt: I only know the other kind of “packers.” Ira: SMDH. Matt: Is there a start zone? Ira: No, I think there’s just the rest of the field. Matt: So there’s an ending but no beginning? Typical straight men.
Literal definition: A kick, worth one point, that’s typically attempted after every touchdown.
Matt: When he eats ass. Ira: Shouldn’t that be a requirement these days? If straight people are co-opting it, then we have a duty to uphold Matt: So it’s just a point. Ira: An extra point for not being a general asshole on Grindr, Scruff, Tinder, at a bar, Twitter, in general. Matt: I like how it’s apps > IRL > twitter thirst for you.
Literal definition: A pass that’s caught by a defensive player, ending the offense’s possession of the ball.
Matt: The sequel to Inception. Ira: Cockblocking. Matt: Same thing. Ira: Look at this Chris Nolan shade! I got dragged on BuzzFeed for shading Interstellar, so good luck. Matt: I can take the heat from Tumblr.
Literal definition: When a defensive player tackles the quarterback behind the line of scrimmage for a loss of yardage.
Ira: Something people don’t shave as often as they should. Matt: When giving head, getting all the way down to the sack. Does that warrant an extra point? Ira: You mean, not having a gag reflex? That is a skill. Who can even do that? Matt:
Ira: You will have so many people sliding into your DMs.
Literal definition: The lines on the center of the field that signify one yard on the field.
Ira: When you can check someone’s Twitter timeline and see who they’re fucking. Matt: When you mark your prey on Twitter. You put a hash mark on the guy whose DMs you’re about to slide into. Ira: Hash marks the thot!
Literal definition: A score, worth two points, that the defense earns by tackling an offensive player in possession of the ball in his own end zone.
Matt: Something they ask me about at the clinic. Every three months. Ira: Something porn studios don’t want to ruin the fantasy. Matt: Something that comes in all sizes.
Literal definition: The action in which the ball is hiked by the center to the quarterback.
Matt: A basic tool of communication. Ira: What straight people think all gays do to enunciate words. Matt: Is that not true? Ira: Well, yes. I guess straight people are right sometimes.
Literal definition: A receiver who does not fully extend his arms to catch a pass because he is afraid that he will be hit hard immediately upon touching the ball.
Ira: Is this what we call people who constantly selfie their arm workouts? Matt: And they’re like, veiny. I love veiny but these are like, TOO veiny. Ira: I only wanna see veins on that d Matt: Alligator D.
Literal definition: When a player is hit so hard that the slobber comes out his mouth.
Matt: The result of — as Nicki puts it in “Bang Bang” — a kitten so good, it’s drippin’ on wood.
Bump & Run
Literal definition: A defensive technique where the defender will initially hit the receiver at the snap of the ball and then run with him in coverage.
Matt: A Grindr hook-up. Ira: A guy you meet at a bar and neither of you can host so you end up in the bathroom. Matt: YIKES. Ira: Did I get too dark? Matt: Nah, just right.
Literal definition: A route where the receiver runs downfield and breaks in towards the center of the field on a 90 degree angle.
Matt: WHERE TO BEGIN. Ira: The process of letting a basic bitch have it. It being a reason to eat their feelings. Matt: An art form, in all senses of the word.
Jacked & Pumped
Literal definition: Victorious, jubliant, turnt up, etc.
Matt: My type. Ira: The screenname for 50 percent of white gays on Grindr.
Literal definition: The course that a wide receiver runs where he starts running straight downfield and then turns and runs toward the sideline in an attempt to get open.
Matt: The order in which you come out to the people in your life. Like, friends first? Mom first? Then Dad? Grandparents never? Ira: The method of a former celebrity coming out on a magazine cover to gain relevance. See: Bass, Lance.
Literal definition: A player who is legally allowed to touch the ball when thrown forward over the line of scrimmage.
Matt: When he consents to a facial. Ira: When he’s showered before you rim him. Matt: We have very clear priorities.
Dink & Dunk
Literal definition: A succession of short passes that use up the clock.
Matt: When he’s teasing you with just the tip. And then dives in without warning. Ira: You know, I like to respect boundaries.
Huffington Pictures / Via youtube.com
Literal definition: A score that is made by carrying the ball over the opponent’s goal line or by catching the ball while standing in the end zone.
Ira: A hook-up that becomes a relationship. Matt: AWWWWWW.