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13 Things I Learned From Attending America's #1 Dog Show

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Release the hounds.

This week I attended the Westminster Dog Show, America's #1 purebreed dog competition.

westminsterkennelclub.org / Via fernlee-kennels.com

This week I attended the Westminster Dog Show, America’s #1 purebreed dog competition.

I knew nothing about this event prior to attending, other than the fact that I really like petting dogs. Her’s what I learned:

Dog breeders use the word “bitch” alot.

Dog breeders use the word "bitch" alot.

Dan Meth / Via BuzzFeed

Without malice, without irony. They’re just talking about dogs.

Patty Hearst’s dog and President Obama’s dog’s cousin were both finalists.

Patty Hearst's dog and President Obama's dog's cousin were both finalists.

Dan Meth / Via BuzzFeed

The Illuminati has its hands in EVERYTHING.

Dog Handlers have very peculiar fashion customs.

Dog Handlers have very peculiar fashion customs.

Dan Meth / Via BuzzFeed

Two piece dress-suits, with rhinestones and knee-length skirts. Flats. Kind of like a Kansas City bank cashier in 1983 look. Sexy. I dig it.

Champion dogs have bizarre names, such as:

Champion dogs have bizarre names, such as:

Dan Meth / Via BuzzFeed

To be fair, no one refers to the dogs by these “kennel names”. By their very nature, “kennel names” need to be that weird so they can be registered in a international directory without any repeats.

Some people don’t feel weird about grabbing a dog’s junk.

Some people don't feel weird about grabbing a dog's junk.

Dan Meth / Via BuzzFeed

These people have a career waiting in professional dog judging.

If you replaced all the dogs with humans, it would be the most horrifying event ever.

Like a Miss America pageant crossed with Triumph of the Will.

There’s a Hungarian dog called a Komondor that looks like the three-way lovechild of an albino Rasta, a janitor’s mop, and some shredded documents.

There's a Hungarian dog called a Komondor that looks like the three-way lovechild of an albino Rasta, a janitor's mop, and some shredded documents.

Dan Meth / Via BuzzFeed

You may have seen a photo of it on the cover to Beck’s album Odelay

And a whole bunch of other dog breeds I’ve never heard of.

And a whole bunch of other dog breeds I've never heard of.

Dan Meth / Via BuzzFeed

Clumber Spaniel? Viszla? Bedlington Terrier? When were these invented?

The greatest skills of champion dogs seem to be having perfect hair and the ability to not freak out in a stressful situation.

The greatest skills of champion dogs seem to be having perfect hair and the ability to not freak out in a stressful situation.

Dan Meth / Via BuzzFeed

There are valuable skills for humans too.

Even the best-trained Bull Terriers in the country still scare the hell out of me.

Even the best-trained Bull Terriers in the country still scare the hell out of me.

Dan Meth / Via BuzzFeed

No offense to them or their owners, they just look like shark-dogs.

It’s possible to have hundreds of dogs in one room and not hear a single bark.

It’s apparently OK to pick up little dogs by their tails?

It's apparently OK to pick up little dogs by their tails?

Dan Meth / Via BuzzFeed

I guess a “professional dog handler” would know what they’re doing.

Thousands of people will applaud for a dog walking around in a circle.

Thousands of people will applaud for a dog walking around in a circle.

Dan Meth / Via BuzzFeed

Source: buzzfeed.com