11 Pets For Irresponsible People
Because you’re too much of a mess to take care of a cat or dog.
Cats and dogs are a lot of work. So here’s a list of pets rated on a scale of 1-10 (1 being least responsibility required), that you can PROBABLY handle if you’re an irresponsible shit.
Responsibility Level: 6/10. The caterpillars do require certain kinds of plants and some proper research needs to go into this endeavor. You literally just have to put leaves in a jar (but dear GOD use a cloth for a lid, not an actual lid, please be at least a LITTLE responsible here) and the caterpillar will do his thing and make a chrysalis and then turn into a butterfly and you let him go. Like could there BE less commitment? Also you get to watch a beautiful fucking process of nature occur right before your eyes.
Responsibility Level: 5/10 Since you’re probably too irresponsible to decorate like a regular adult, this pet doubles as home decor. And if you forget to pay the cable bill, SURPRISE you can watch your ants do ant things for some entertainment.
Responsibility Level: 4/10 This one’s great for people with intimacy issues because you don’t even have to touch it and it just sits there looking all precious. And you only have to water it MAYBE once a week.
Your Neighbor’s Cat
Responsibility Level 4/10 Take a hint from Sandra Bullock’s character in “The Heat”, and pretend like your neighbor’s cat is your own. It’ll fill a cat-shaped void in your life and you won’t even have to feel shitty for forgetting to clean the litter box.
Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation
Responsibility Level: 3/10 So you barely remember to brush your teeth in the morning? These little shits don’t require anything other than you putting water and a ‘growth packet’ in the tank to make them come alive. Then you can sit back and watch them be adorable as hell, or forget about them on your shelf.
Birds Outside Your Window
Responsibility Level: 3/10 Honestly just get a bird feeder and fill it up whenever you remember to. No stress, it’s not like the birds will die if you forget about it, but at the same time you can feel like Snow White when you’ve got hella birds comin’ for you.
The Ladybug That Will Inevitably Make It Into Your House Whether You Want A Pet Or Not
Responsibility Level: 3/10. You could accidentally squish it. Ladybug, Asian beetle, whatever the fuck it is; it’s there and you might as well pretend like you want it to be, because you’re not gonna go through the effort of calling pest control. Might as well give it a hilarious name like Stanley or something.
Responsibility Level: 2/10. Just make sure you’ve paid your rent first. Adopt a real life manatee here and simultaneously do something good in the world for once. Plus you can brag about having a FUCKING MANATEE, like THAT’S A COOL THING that might make people think you HAVE YOUR LIFE TOGETHER.
Responsibility Level: 2/10. Because you’ll need to change the batteries. This “life-like” parakeet literally has an off switch. A pet for the truly irresponsible.
A Terrible Piece Of Taxidermy
Responsibility Level: 2/10. Don’t lie to yourself; you will not remember to dust it. While not requiring to be fed or loved, a terrible piece of taxidermy will surely brighten your day when you come home. Also, by getting a particularly terrible specimen, you can feel better about your own shitty accomplishments because at least you’re not a bad taxidermist.
Responsibility Level 1/10. It’s a rock. If you still think you’re too much of an asshole to handle any of the above, just pick up a damn rock and put googly eyes on it.
DISCLAIMER: Ultimately you are your own judge and only you can determine your irresponsibility levels. If you’re still having trouble taking care of yourself, figure that out before you get a pet. Godspeed to you.